Sighs and sobs

Last night, I woke up at around 3 in the morning – all sweating and gasping for breath, it was suffocating in the room even though the ceiling fan was on. I don’t know if I dreamt anything but my eyes were wet, so was the pillow and I was panicking. No clue why. I got up, washed my face, drank a little water and went back to bed but couldn’t sleep for a long time – tears flowed involuntarily – for no reason. I have been avoiding thinking about going away and all the change – thinking that thinking about it will make it only worse. So I kept changing the thread whenever worries started – something I had read somewhere – only way to be happy is to replace one worry by another ;) – but it doesn’t work. Suppressing doesn’t work – at all - it just fills and finally suffocates. You need to face things – bring it to the table and talk – or may be if there are no listening ears around, think or write. So, I am doing my part of writing :D ;)

I had freaked out while leaving home and coming to settle in Bangalore, I had freaked out and was too sad when I changed the job- looking back at these things now I feel like laughing out loud – I mean, come on! What was I thinking! :D All I had to leave behind was parents – for just 3 or 4 weeks stretch, home which we had recently changed and I was not attached to- most of my things which I carried with me, friends – almost none (most of them were in Bangalore) and I was getting paid and when I changed job, I was getting paid better.

I don’t know when I will stop being possessive, I mean, when I own a tea cup or a boot lace, I get emotionally attached to it – it’s freaking crazy! I sometimes get a vague idea of what I have to leave behind, friends who were almost necessary for my survival – who have been wonderful, tolerating all my nonsense, parents -I go numb when I think about them, all the unfinished dreams- I gave away my guitar yesterday, threw away a few of my travel plans and TO DO lists which listed places I wanted to visit and things I wanted to do before getting married (yeah, I had one ;)) – seems silly now :P. I used to play the guitar once in a while after coming home from office last week and I gave it away yesterday- didn’t even strum it before giving. I saw the book where I used to write notes and chords, some 2 3 times and shut it away. May be someday I will pick it up again – I mean, who had thought I will pick it up here in Bangalore? :)

I packed most of my stuff away and will be carrying them home this weekend. I packed my clothes, half of my books – wiping them clean, and touching them as if I was touching them for the last time in my life :P

They mean so much to me – I have been a private creature all along, books were the only ones privy to everything hidden from the world. They were the only constant companions – never expecting, never demanding, never complaining, never teasing, always sympathizing, and always being the way I wanted them to be. I packed a few journals and the other few which were just logs, I didn’t know what to do. I asked ‘A’- “shall I throw this away?” (I managed to say this somehow) She was like – “keep it, we’ll find something to do with it” I mean, I had written like 360 odd pages – all the daily updates - accounting, all the “Funny moment of the day”s, “Most beautiful thing I saw today”s (yeah, i used to write them everyday)and all the TO Dos for the next day. I read a few pages and realized how lucky I had been all these days – I had had a funny moment every day, had seen some of the most beautiful things these past years…

We cleaned the house yesterday. I found a few things which I had thought I had lost forever, I also found out how dirty the house was ;) 'A' was like – “Why are you cleaning it so thoroughly? Anyways you are leaving in 2 weeks”. I don’t know why I was. It made no sense. But I wanted to. I wanted it to be as awesome as it always has been – as comfortable for her when I leave – so she never misses me – one bit. One thing that’s there is that if you think anything during night, it gets blown up – I started going flashback – the first time we had cooked – it was a simple sweet dish, the first time we had fought and made up, first time we killed a cockroach – making a big scene, first time I had felt homesick, first time I fell ill and she took care of me, first time we shared pain and secrets with each other – ending up both of us crying, first time we brought a load of stuff to fill up the kitchen (I still have the bill ;)), first time we cleaned the house- which was nowhere near being live-able, first time we talked almost whole night, first time we entertained friends- cooking for them, watching movies and laughing out loud almost entire night, first time we came home late to be scolded by Ajji – jumping from the compound wall since we hadn’t yet got the gate key ;) first time I stayed alone there… first time I realized that this was what I had always dreamt of and came to know that I had been living my dream all along…

… and never knew when I fell asleep :) :)